What I'm about to share may be touchy and it's usually not talked about. To be honest, I still don't really want to talk about it. Yet I figure that, if there is just one person I can help by what I'm writing, then it's worth it.
After two supernaturally painless labors and bringing two wonderful, gorgeous children into the world, I became pregnant with our third. While I felt overwhelmed with the thought of a 4 year old and two little ones under the age of 2, I was very excited about adding to our family! The due date was October 15th, 2012. Bryan was hoping for the 11th, though; our other two children have cool sounding birth dates and 10/11/12 has a nice ring to it.
At 9 1/2 weeks, there were warning signs and we went to the ER, late one night. After 2 of the longest ultrasounds in the history of mankind and a very long wait for the results, the doctor came in and very matter-of-factly stated that they could not find a heartbeat. I had started to miscarry and found out the baby's heart had stopped approximately 2 weeks prior at 7 weeks, 4 days.
The next couple of days were very hard and we fervently prayed for a miracle; for God to revive our baby and make him or her whole again. But that nightmare of a day came and our baby was gone, he was out of my womb.
I was SO angry at God.
was mad that I couldn't feel God.
I felt abandoned.
We attended our Sunday morning church service 3 days after miscarrying and I couldn't bring myself to sing the songs. I remember the second song was about God always walking beside us and never leaving us. I was full of anger and tears were welling up in my eyes. My husband was praising God like I'd never seen. The same God that my husband was whole-heartedly worshipping next to me, I was blaming for the death of my baby. Something was obviously wrong with this picture. If I had been in the aisle seat, I would have walked out. It really took A LOT to stay in that service.
After service, something deeply took a hold of me and said, "Satan is the god of this world." I began to think about this. As soon as man used their free will, total chaos began. As soon as I realized that God didn't do this to me, my weight was lifted. I began to praise God and was set free from this false bondage from Satan.
That afternoon, I was cleaning up the house, as it had been neglected by all that was going on. I wanted to listen to a sermon as I cleaned, so I happened to download a sermon called "Reasonable Doubt". Let me tell you, that message confirmed what was spoken to me earlier that day and my heart felt uplifted!
This weekend we are having a funeral service for baby Furse. We do not know the gender, but we are calling baby a he. His name's meaning is, "God will uplift". His middle name means "Given to God".
I am still sad that the baby is gone, but am rejoicing that he never has to feel pain and he's with Jesus. His eyes have seen the beauty of Jesus and I'm sure he's dancing and playing. Yes, doing both at the same time, because he is a Furse baby :)